Outsider Looking In... Again

Always on the outside looking in, that's me. I'd like to say it doesn't bother me, but it would be telling lies and I must not tell lies. I hate that I feel somewhat jealous by things others are doing, achieving and accomplishing, but alas I do. 


If I look at it (and myself) positively, I guess it's a good thing I'm never satisfied. I want to do things, see things and earn as much as others do, but I always seem to get the raw end of the deal. I wonder why that is? 


I don't see myself as a pushover, but things always seem to pass over me. I am not blessed with good luck obviously. Some people fall into the right place, right time again and again it seems, and I can't help but wonder, when is it my turn? 

General Social Blogging Ponderings

Must try harder. Must try harder. That seems to be my mantra for life. Whether it's my lack of inspiration, self esteem or simply boredom, I just don't feel that I have anything worth writing about, let alone writing something worthy of someone actually taking the time to read the nonsense I've written. Perhaps I'm being to hard on myself? No-one likes a pessimist after all, but then again, no-one likes a narcissist either.

I won't bore you with my mundane day to day wonderings (today at least), but let me ask this: why blog? Why read a blog? I've asked myself this question: is it like an online diary for my voyeuristic nature? Do I want random people knowing my most insane or mundane thoughts that pass through my rather porous brain? Or is it a social thing? People blogging and people reading, creating this other universe for us all to live in? Moving a step further with that last query, is it companionship? Do we read other people's blogs to make ourselves feel better, knowing that "we're" not the only person rambling to the universe at large?

In all honesty, I haven't come across another blog like mine. Everyone else seems to have it together, there's a purpose to their blog, there's a reason I read them. But who I wonder would ever read this? And if you did happen to come across this rather inconsequential excerpt of my daily ponderings, what on earth do you get out of it?! I can only think that you come away from this, feeling 100% better about yourself knowing that you haven't got these rambling yet curious thoughts in YOUR head!

Hummm... I do seem to go around and around and never find what I'm looking for, or what I'm trying to say. Such is my life.

The Limbo Before Impending Doom?

I'm not sure if this long weekend has given me too much time on my hands or has given me time to think but I feel in limbo. Like, I'm waiting from something to happen, waiting to make a decision or bracing myself for impact - from what I have no idea. I'm sure there's no impending doom on my horizon, but perhaps I feel the need for... something... a change... a moment of clarity...

Strange. The more I think about it, the more probable I feel something is just around the corner - good or bad I have no idea but it's waiting. Just out of sight but not out of mind.

Everything in life is writable about...

Everything in life is writable about. 

The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt. Sylvia Plath

Never a truer word written. 

The Ongoing Irony of Booking a Relaxing Spa Break

Here's irony: I'm trying to book a spa break while my boyfriend is away and it's actually a very stressful thing to attemp to do.

What I've found is that while some hotels offer accomodation and "entry" to a spa, they don't actually include any treatments. Correct me if I'm wrong, but how can that be classed as a spa package weekend where no spa related activities are expected to take place within the package? Or, if you want to stay in a dedicated spa it seems to be that a) they are very expensive just for a two night stay and b) stuck in the middle of no-where on the outskirts of a city where the only means of transport is taxi - which I can only imagine won't be a quick journey and therefore not a cheap journey.

Also the fact that I am going on my own seems to be fairly abnormal whereby they whack on single supplements left, right and centre. Am I being strange that I want to go to a spa on my own i.e. away from people I see and speak to every day and just have some of my own company? Unless you're going on a girlie weekend, I can't see why you would want to go with anyone to a spa. All I plan to do is (hopefully) have a couple of treatments, relax by a pool with a cold, crisp glass of Pino Grigio and read. That' s all I want to do, I don't want to talk, to make conversation, I literally just want to be quiet! So therefore would not be good company for anyone but myself! It would seem that I am in the minority for thinking this way though.

And so my search continues. My prerequisites are:

Central location or close to local attractions
An actual spa break i.e. with treatments!
Nice accomodation
Hotel bar and restuarant
Overall: not cheap but not expensive

Wish me luck...

Tis the Season to Get Engaged...

Tis the Season to Get Engaged
Here's a Big, Fat, Sarcastic Whoop from Me! 

It would seem that the everyone in the world is getting engaged to each other. Hey, the way I'm feeling right now, chances are you've just got engaged. 'Tis the season and all that. It's a lovely, beautiful thing - plus being in the wedding planning business it works out well professionally but personally...You wanna know what I really want to do...

Shoot myself and call it quits. Ha! Moi? Melodramatic? Never.

My boyfriend's sister has just got engaged for which I am truly happy for her because a) it's going to be a destination wedding, b) she lives in Australia so no Bridezilla moments that I can't handle by simply unpluging technology and c) wait, there is no C because I'm sick of hearing that everyone but me is going to get married. (Stick with me... I'm venting!) With their gaudy diamonds, talk of dresses and blah, blah, blah. All I ask is "when is it going to be me?"

I know what you're thinking. I should be asking my boyfriend this very question and believe me I have. About every single day, in one way or another. We've just had our nine year anniversary so he's a trooper!

One truly spectacular answer he gave was just the day before yesterday. It was that he didn't want me to win. In other words, he believes that if and when he does propose, it will feel to him as though he's lost. Yes, like he's lost a bet or game. Sad and strange but true.

An inspirational line springs to mind from a great movie:

Those who can't wed, plan.
(Jennifer Lopez, The Wedding Planner, 2001)

I've been quietly obsessed with weddings for years, but now I'm "allowed" to look at the magazines, the wedding porn blogs, the venue websites because it's all in the name of " work-related research". I say I'm now allowed only because before I had no reason to buy the magazines (and then stuff them under my bed) or request wedding information packs (and contemplate spending thousands of pounds on a spectacular venue).

One day it will be my day that I have to plan. I feel the weight of expectation already, hey I've banged on about it even to you for long enough! I actually wouldn't mind just being engaged for a while. He on the other hand says he doesn't believe in long engagements.Once he's made up his mind and he feels ready, he'll want to get it over with! Does anyone else feel that my boyfriend is a bit of an arse?!

Answers on a postcard please oh and congrau-fucking-lations if you have indeed recently got engaged. See not jealous at all...



Sorry Fellow Female Drivers - I Harmed The Cause

I did a stupid thing on Monday. I did not help the cause for women driver's the world over. I (only very gently) crashed into my boyfriend's car while trying to parallel park.

The worst part  - apart from causing actual damage to both his car and my own - is that for a very quick, fleeting moment I considered not telling him about it. The dent and paint etched onto my car however, plus the two brand spanking new dents in his would have given me away so I decided to be brave, and tell the truth.

He took it rather well. I feel terrible and actually embarrassed. Needless to say I won't be trying to that stupid maneuver ever again.

P.S. Who actually does parallel park in real life - other than having to do it in the damned test...