Neurotic Notes of An Eternal Loner
I've been absent for a month or so, even after telling myself i.e. you, that I should write at least once a day. So here's what prompted me to go viral again.
Sitting around the dinner table this evening with my boyfriend, my brother and his (maybe) girlfriend, I was asked if I enjoyed my time at university. My boyfriend and I had completely conflicting answers: he did, I didn't so much.
I've thought about why my time at uni wasn't as great as it should have been over the years since. I've come to the conclusion that its intrinsically built into my DNA that I am what some would call a "lone wolf", what others would call a "loner". Not in the weird sense but in the way that I can deal with myself when I'm on my own. I now do like my own company and it's taken me a while to understand, well maybe not understand, but acknowledge that this is who I am now. It wasn't always the case.
Thinking back over the years, I can indeed see a pattern in my behaviour, as I see it now. During my first year of university I loathed spending any time alone in my single, solitary room. I would go to the library to watch movies just so I didn't have to be on my own. This was a time before Internet was in every room, before Wifi had become a way of life - hey, it was 2005! I would head down to the communal kitchen only when I had to - it didn't help that my kitchen was permanently on the wrong side of clean and smelt of hash, but that's university, I get it. I never did load of washing at university successfully - I'd always bring it home as home was only 30 miles away... perhaps that was the crux of the problem. I didn't go out to befriend my student neighbours because it was easier not to. My course mates were fine, are fine, as we still keep in contact via Facebook but even now it's only ever once in a while. When you only have your course in common you kind of loose that common interest once you graduated so then what do you talk about apart from the mundane niceties of life? I digress...
My following year was better and then my final year was best, but even then it was still only ever ok compared to everybody else. Perhaps my first year scarred me for life. It's quite possible, it was my most hellish experience to date because I felt trapped by the immensity of university existence. The fact that I didn't like the city I was in, the fact that it probably was too close to home and the fact that my course was never as exciting as it had been promised to be.
Sitting around the dinner table this evening with my boyfriend, my brother and his (maybe) girlfriend, I was asked if I enjoyed my time at university. My boyfriend and I had completely conflicting answers: he did, I didn't so much.
I've thought about why my time at uni wasn't as great as it should have been over the years since. I've come to the conclusion that its intrinsically built into my DNA that I am what some would call a "lone wolf", what others would call a "loner". Not in the weird sense but in the way that I can deal with myself when I'm on my own. I now do like my own company and it's taken me a while to understand, well maybe not understand, but acknowledge that this is who I am now. It wasn't always the case.
Thinking back over the years, I can indeed see a pattern in my behaviour, as I see it now. During my first year of university I loathed spending any time alone in my single, solitary room. I would go to the library to watch movies just so I didn't have to be on my own. This was a time before Internet was in every room, before Wifi had become a way of life - hey, it was 2005! I would head down to the communal kitchen only when I had to - it didn't help that my kitchen was permanently on the wrong side of clean and smelt of hash, but that's university, I get it. I never did load of washing at university successfully - I'd always bring it home as home was only 30 miles away... perhaps that was the crux of the problem. I didn't go out to befriend my student neighbours because it was easier not to. My course mates were fine, are fine, as we still keep in contact via Facebook but even now it's only ever once in a while. When you only have your course in common you kind of loose that common interest once you graduated so then what do you talk about apart from the mundane niceties of life? I digress...
My following year was better and then my final year was best, but even then it was still only ever ok compared to everybody else. Perhaps my first year scarred me for life. It's quite possible, it was my most hellish experience to date because I felt trapped by the immensity of university existence. The fact that I didn't like the city I was in, the fact that it probably was too close to home and the fact that my course was never as exciting as it had been promised to be.
Labels: Existence, Friends, Independent, Loneliness, Neurotic, University
posted by Little Red | 21:00
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